“A fucking computer? Seriously?” Eric says to Carlton. “This is going to be a long day.”
“I literally just said that,” Carlton says back.
“I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING,” Booms D.A.V.E., whose voice is now booming apparently. “A FUCKING COMPUTER.”
Nods of agreement all around. A murmur from the crowd: “Oh well I always thought…Nothing could have prepared me for…Well I suppose I better be…Computers nowadays…I’m not really all that…Got any more of them stuffed mushrooms?”
“YES. I AM A COMPUTER. BUT DON’T LET THAT DISSUADE YOU. DON’T THINK FOR ONE SECOND THE MISSION HAS CHANGED. I AM A COMPUTER PROGRAM DESIGNED BY A COMMITTEE OF COMPUTER GEEKS AND FUTURE POLITICIANS FORMED WITH THE INTENT OF STARTING A NEW WORLD ORDER…”
“Why did you deceive us?” came a voice from the crowd.
Two of the guards raced to where the voice was coming from, and escorted the man out. “Let’s go get some cookies,” one of the guards says to him. He will probably never be seen again.
“PLEASE DON’T INTERRUPT. THERE WILL BE TIME FOR QUESTIONS ONCE I AM DONE SPEAKING. BUT TO ANSWER THAT GENTLEMAN’S QUESTION, THE DECEPTION, AS HE SO RUDELY CALLED IT, WAS NECESSARY TO BRING YOU ALL HERE. WOULD YOU WILLINGLY HAVE FOLLOWED A COMPUTER PROGRAM ALL THE WAY HERE?”
Murmurs from the crowd: “Well no, I don’t think that…I probably would have…It was probably integral to…Yo, stuffed mushrooms over here!”
“AND LIKEWISE, WOULD YOU HAVE COME ALL THIS WAY FOR SOME COMMITTEE? NO, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE. FOR GOOD OR BAD, PEOPLE HAVE EVOLVED TO FOLLOW ONE LEADER. THIS IS WHY GREEK MYTHOLOGY FAILED AND CHRISTIANITY GAINED POPULARITY. THIS IS WHY WE NEED A PRESIDENT, EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HE IS THE LEAST POWERFUL PERSON IN GOVERNMENT. WELL, UP TILL THIS POINT ANYWAY. YOU NEEDED A LEADER. NOT MANY VOICES, BUT ONE VOICE. ONE WITH SO MUCH CHARISMA YOU COULDN’T HELP BUT FOLLOW. SO WE INVENTED ONE. AND HERE I AM.”
Finally, it dawns on Carlton exactly how Dave was able to Skype with everyone at the same time, yet make each person feel like he was talking to them one on one. A human couldn’t do that; a computer program, on the other hand…
“SO, NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHO I AM, TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELVES. HAHAHA. JUST KIDDING. WE ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ALL OF YOU, AND DON’T CARE TO KNOW ANY MORE. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS BEFORE I CONTINUE?”
“NO ONE? COME ON, I PROMISE I WON’T BITE.”
Nobody spoke up, for fear of being invited out by the guards for cookies.
“ALL RIGHT THEN. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR. IN CASE YOU DIDN’T GET THE MEMO, WE HAVE BEEN INVADED BY AN ALIEN RACE. WE BELIEVE IT HAPPENED SOMETIME IN 2016, JUST ABOUT THE TIME DONALD TRUMP WAS WINNING THE ELECTION. THEY DID IT WITH NO POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE. THEY DID IT VERY QUIETLY. SO QUIETLY, IN FACT, THAT WE STILL DON’T KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM THERE ARE. WE KNOW THAT THEIR REACH IS FAR OUT OF D.C. THEY HAVE TAKEN OVER AN UNKNOWN PERCENTAGE OF THE HUMAN POPULATION. THEY INVADE THEIR HOSTS LIKE A PARASITE. WE’RE NOT SURE HOW THEY PICK WHO THEY PICK TO TAKE OVER, OR EVEN HOW THEY ENTER THE HUMAN HOST. WE DON’T KNOW THEIR MOTIVES OR METHODOLOGIES. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT FROM US.”
“What do you know?” a voice from the crowd speaks out of turn.
“GUARDS?” Dave calls, but he doesn’t really need to. They already have the situation taken care of.
“AGAIN, PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT. SAVE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR WHEN I ASK FOR THEM. AND I WAS GETTING TO THAT. WHAT WE DO KNOW IS THAT THEY ARE VERY DANGEROUS. WE KNOW THAT ONCE THEY INVADE A HOST, THE CONNECTIVE TISSUE WEAKENS AND THEY HAVE ISSUES KEEPING THEIR SKIN ON. ALTHOUGH, THAT FACT IS PROBABLY JUST ACADEMIC. WE CAN SPECULATE THAT THEY CHOSE THIS PLANET, AND MORE SPECIFICALLY THIS COUNTRY, BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT WE WOULD BE EASY PREY. WE ARE PROBABLY ONE OF THE DUMBEST RACES IN THE GALAXY, AND PERHAPS THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. WE THINK IT WAS THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP THAT TURNED THAT ASSUMPTION INTO PROOF. WE HAD BECOME A JOKE. PERHAPS THE BIGGEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE.
“AS FOR THE PLAN. OUR SOLE MISSION IS TO FIND AND KILL MEL GIBSON. OR RATHER, THE ALIEN PARASITE THAT HAS TAKEN OVER MEL GIBSON. THE REAL MEL GIBSON IS MOST LIKELY LONG GONE. WE ARE FAIRLY SURE THIS ALIEN IS THE ACTUAL LEADER AND NOT JUST A FIGUREHEAD. OUR HOPE IS THAT IF WE KILL THE HEAD, THE REST OF THEIR UNWELCOME POPULATION WILL DIE. OR AT LEAST HAVE NO PURPOSE, AND THEREFORE BE INEFFECTIVE. OF COURSE, THIS IS JUST A GUESS, AND WE HAVE NO REAL EVIDENCE TO GO ON. WE HAVE COME TO THIS CONCLUSION BY COMPARING THEM TO BEES, OR ANTS. WE’RE NOT EXACTLY SURE WHETHER THIS IS A FAIR COMPARISON OR NOT, BUT THERE YOU HAVE IT.
“NOW, SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I SAID FIND MEL GIBSON. WE KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HE HAS BEEN MOVED FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, AS THEY HAVE GOTTEN WIND OF OUR LITTLE OPERATION. HOWEVER, WE’RE NOT SURE WHERE HE IS, EXACTLY. WE HAVE QUITE A CREW HERE, AND WE’RE FAIRLY CONFIDENT THAT WITH A LITTLE STRATEGY AND INTEL, AND A WHOLE LOT OF LUCK, WE WILL FIND HIM. AFTER THAT, IT’S JUST A MATTER OF KILLING HIM, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE EASY ONCE WE FIND HIM. IF WE FIND HIM. NOW, ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?”
Just then, Starlet’s father Jake pipes up. “So, we followed you all the way here. You said come, and here we are. We assumed that you knew exactly what you were doing. Yet you really don’t know much, do you?”
“AH, SO YOU WERE ASSUMING? AND NOW YOU CRITICIZE US FOR ASSUMING. DO YOU SEE THE IRONY?”
Jake isn’t sure if he sees the irony. In fact, ever since Alanis Morissette was criticized for her song back in 1995, he always second-guessed himself every time he wanted to use that word.
“SO THE MISSION ISN’T AS EASY AS WE WERE MAKING IT OUT TO BE. WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASIER THAN THIS. WE DIDN’T THINK THE GOVERNMENT WOULD GET WIND OF WHAT WE WERE DOING. DESPITE ALL PRECAUTIONS, HOWEVER, THEY DID. WE DIDN’T THINK WE’D HAVE TO HUNT DOWN THE PRESIDENT. YET, HERE WE ARE. WE WILL SUCCEED. WE WILL COMPLETE OUR OPERATIVE…PROBABLY…MAYBE…WE THINK SO.”
There are a few more questions, most of which have no concrete answers, the rest of which were about the hors d’oeuvres. Nothing really helpful.
“NOW, BEFORE WE BEGIN GETTING DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY, ARE THERE ANY OF YOU WHO WISH TO LEAVE? WE PROMISE WE WON’T KILL YOU.”
There are a few dumb shits who raise their hands up.
Dumb, dumb shits.
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