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BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION:

Marc Richard lives in Westbrook with his wife (Jill), his dog (Ethan Phillip), some pots and pans, and a lemon wedge.

Portrait of the author as a young boy

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THE ALPHABET BOOKS

**The Alphabet Books are standalone and do not need to be read in any particular order. Read what you like, when you like. No judgments here.**

The Forbidden Fruit.

Come on. Bite it. You know you want to.

The snake says it’s okay.

Eve says it’s okay.

You’re curious, aren’t you, Adam?

Bite it.

You bit it, didn’t you?

It’s all right; we all make mistakes. Paradise wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, anyway. From now on, you’ll have to make your own way. Just you and Eve and your trusty talking goat sidekick, Phil Collins.

The book of Genesis. How bad could it be? Take a bite and find out for yourself.

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This ain’t your grandma’s fairy tale.

Jimmy DiFrenzo is the head of the Figarazzi family, one of the toughest mob families around. He loves his gabagool, his gold chains, and his chest hair. He lives in a nice suburban home with his adoring wife and child. The perfect, yet stereotypical, life of a Sicilian American. But he has secrets.

Blondie is a spoiled little rich girl who always gets her way. When her life becomes tedious, she begins a life of breaking into random homes. She never steals anything; she’s in it for the excitement. All is going great, till she finds herself the wrong house.

“Someone’s been using my hair gel!”
“Someone’s been eating my gabagool!”
“Someone’s been sleeping on my couch! And there she is!”

Just who is this blond bitch that has broken into Jimmy’s home? Did she really pick the wrong house, or does she have a plan? Perhaps she has secrets, too.

Come witness this oh-so-wrong retelling of an old classic. Get it now.

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They’re the cookies that bite back!


OK, Gretel, Dad says we need to move out and get a job.

Don’t look at me that way.

Hey, we can do it together. It’ll be fun.

Yes. I know we have no skills.

Well, you know how all those long-haul cookie delivery drivers left on their routes and never came back?

It’s perfect. Guaranteed employment. People need their sweets.

What? Danger? Nah, we’ll be fine.

Hansel and Gretel are two long-haul truckers, a brother and sister team, whose work order is simple: Deliver a truckload of cookies cross-country to an old witch in the forest.

They stop to pick up their load and notice something isn’t right. Pastries shouldn’t be bleeding and screaming and trying to escape their boxes.

Once upon a time, in an orphanage, lived a rather ugly child. Picked on mercilessly by her peers until one by one the orphans went missing. Now an old witch with a cookie addiction, she sits alone in her mansion made of sweets, waiting for her delivery of baked goods with the one special ingredient in them.

Will Hansel and Gretel make their delivery on time? Will they make it out alive? Will Hansel finally admit that Gretel is the better driver?

Indulge your appetite and feast your eyes on this new twist on an age-old tale.

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Long ago, in a land far away, there lived a beautiful princess named Snow White.

Okay, it wasn’t long ago, it was just a few minutes ago. And it wasn’t far away, it was the Bad Apple Miniature Golf Course/ Action Fun Park in New Jersey.

Come join your favorite characters: Snow White, the Queen, the Pepperoni Prince, and of course, the dwarfs- Farty, Disorderly, Complimentary, Turkey, Sleazy, Juicy, and Smug. All the things you remember from your happiest childhood story, like talking mirrors, poison apples, magic bungee cords, zombies, and flatulence. Guaranteed to bring on that old nostalgic feeling.

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Like reading Poe on mushrooms.

“A real mustn’t read.” -Every Critic Ever

Have you ever wanted to escape?

Ever wished you were a character in a story?

Be careful what you wish for.

I wanted that once, too.

And now here I am. And it sucks.

How did I get here?

What did I do to deserve this?

Trapped in the nightmarish world of Edgar Allan Poe

Sort of.

Why are these tales so much worse than the originals?

Why is everyone I meet so annoying? And what’s the deal with their wonky eyeballs?

E is for Eyeball is what happens when you put works of public domain into the hands of an incompetent lunatic.

Horrific. Hilarious. Ridiculous.

You’ll laugh till your eyes pop out.

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Franks Wurst is made of peeeeeeople!

My name’s Maria Shelton. I’m a cop.

…Well, private investigator, really.

….Ehh, no, I have no formal training or anything.

…Because I’m bored, that’s why.

In these last few generations, the world has seen such devastation.

The population has grown out of control. Resources are depleting. The horror of it all.

The solution?

Designer children.

Parents surrender their children from birth so that new ones can be made from the best parts.

Yeah, like Frankenstein.

The ones who aren’t so lucky grow up “Normal”.

Like me.

Lower class.

Unable to land good jobs.

Mistakenly killed by police with greater and greater frequency.

Some of us disappearing without a trace.

The world is almost out of food.

Frank’s, the popular hot dog chain, is no longer selling their world-famous wieners. Meat is no longer available.

Enter “Franks Wurst”, a new superfood sausage made up of plankton and God knows what else.

But I’m getting a feeling I know what “what else” is.

And I’m going to prove it if it’s the last thing I do.

And it just may be the last thing I do.

 

It’s Frankenstein meets Soylent Green. Mary Shelley meets Charlton Heston. A crazy tale that you’d come to expect only from this author.

By the way, he can’t tell you what Franks Wurst is made of, but what he can say is it is not not people.

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Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!
I smell the blood of a…!

Well, you all know the story.
Jack is a poor farm boy living with his mother.
Having to milk cows to keep the bill collectors at bay.
Till one day a man comes by and gives him an enhancement pill that makes him sprout a giant boner
Which he climbs all the way up to Giant Land.

I mean, sure, we all know that part.
But from there, things take a twist.

From the weirdest author you know
Comes a surprisingly heartwarming tale.

One of love, family, and big old boners.

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A wild and wacky parody of the original Hellraiser movie…

Now with more raisins!

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DAVE!

Aliens.

Armageddon.

And President Mel Gibson?

America is in trouble, dudes.

The country is in ruins after the president walls it up, sealing it like a giant prison. The rich get richer and the poor starve to death in the streets. Enter the Invaders, a secret society led by a charismatic and flawlessly handsome dude named Dave. Their mission: Destroy the forces in D.C. and take back the U.S.A.!

Starlet Richter is your typical transgender American woman. After years of watching the place fall apart, she’s gonna do something about it. Eric Tisdsale is Starlet’s long-lost love. He’s making a pretty mundane living as a pool shark, until one phone call changes everything.

Will they save each other? Themselves? The world? How about when they discover the president is not actually human, and there may be more of his kind hiding among us?

“The worst thing you’ll read all year!” raves the general population.

“Fake News!” cries D.T.

DAVE! is a science fiction comedy that features fast-paced action, pie-throwing clowns, nudists, and lots and lots of aliens. Equal parts Hitchhiker’s Guide and Coen Brothers, download now and laugh your way through the apocalypse!

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The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. So is the road to Washington D.C. The adventures of Starlet and Eric continue. The Topplers are toppling the giant wall surrounding the country. The Invaders are well on their way to Invading the White House, and thus saving the country, and humanity, from a malicious alien race. All goes well in the beginning, however, in the new world not everyone is who they seem. Will the Topplers topple? Will Eric and Carlton make it to D.C. alive? The answers are here.

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Everything has come down to this. The Invaders have finally reached D.C. It’s time for Eric and crew to destroy Uncle Mel and thus the entire alien race, but it seems that he’s hidden away, and the city is being taken over by Mel clones. Starlet is held captive in a cave somewhere in Massachusetts. Can she break free and find Eric? And if so, can she reach him in time to help bring down the President? This has gone on long enough. It has to end. But how? Things are gonna get weird.

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NOVELS

This book will steal your soul.

“This made my brain hurt.” -Anonymous Litigant

Mystical. Weird. Hilarious. A dumb cast of characters you have to see to believe.

The lazy Uncle who fuses with his favorite chair.

The computer virus that takes on a life of its own.

The surgeon on an acid trip.

Bootsy Collins.

What do these people have in common? About as much as you have with Kevin Bacon.

Witness how the actions of one can affect the lives of many in these Degrees of Separation.

Get ready for a downward spiral through hell.

Through beauty and nightmares, through comedy and tragedy.

A novel? Yes.

A short story collection? Yes.

Call it what you will, but I can promise you that it is made of 100% readable words.

Degrees of Separation was originally penned by a squadron of Black Sabbath fans at a Steely Dan show. The pages that weren’t used for rolling special cigarettes were retrieved from the floor of the concert hall, and then (barely) translated into this book here.

Step right up, strap in, and enjoy the ride!.

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At long last, a horror-comedy novel that redefines the terms horror and comedy. And novel

Inside you will find such old tropes as:

A cabin in the woods
A murderer with a creative flair
An old timey private eye
An unnecessarily lengthy game of cribbage
A serious examination of the ongoing problem with racism in this country
A dead girl skewered on a newel post
Grits

This book does not have:

Instructions on how to attend a live taping of The Price is Right
Smut

As a bonus, this book contains:

A hidden puzzle so you can find out who the killer is yourself!

 

As a super added special bonus, this book does not contain:

Even more smut.

Harm’s Way is a horror-comedy originally penned by Sam Raimi’s twin brother, Aaron Elvis Raimi, who died at birth.
It reeks of classics like Evil Dead, Silent Night Deadly Night, and Student Bodies.

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A therapist on the brink of divorce. An idiot patient. A bucketful of crazy.

Doc is a psychologist struggling with mental illness. After eight years, his wife Elisa has finally reached her breaking point and they separate.

Bryan is Doc’s new client. He comes into the office with a crippling caffeine addiction and a severe case of schizophrenia. Or maybe he’s just a weirdo.

Doc really likes Bryan at first. Till he suspects Elisa may be sleeping with him. In the office, he tries to help him. Outside the office, however, is a whole other story. Revenge is on Doc’s mind. It starts off harmless at first, with childish pranks. Soon these high jinks turn into something more sinister.

Will Doc and Elisa reconcile? Will Bryan survive? Will he at least switch to decaf?

It’ll End in Tears is a novel written by a group of Italian teenagers on an eye-opening Segway tour through Amsterdam’s Red Light District. Part memoir. Part fiction. You ain’t never read nothing like it.

Buy now and enter Marc Richard’s mad world. It’s a trip.

The memoir portion focuses on the author’s struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. To learn more about BPD visit
www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com

ALL PROCEEDS GO TO THE MAINE CENTER FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN. 

http://www.cgcmaine.org/

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Reincarnation. It ain’t for dummies.

”Reading this made me glad I never fell in love”- Lonely Man on Balcony

Ronnie and Helen. Two teenagers in love with marriage on the horizon. Till an accident cuts his life short.

The Archangels make sure his soul gets into a new body.

But they screw up.

Seriously. Ronnie can’t catch a break.

Those Eyes is a surrealist romantic comedy originally penned by a group of Benedictine monks in a trailer at a maple syrup protest rally. The manuscript went through several revisions, and even one book-burning demonstration, and is now nothing like the original text. It has been translated into one language: This one. It’s packed with extra comedy, a whole lot of love, a splash of the ghastly, and more than a touch of the bizarre.

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MEME BOOKS

The author would like it to be known that he realizes he has no business making memes.

Up till a year ago, he couldn’t even pronounce the word.

It’s forgivable if someone pronounces “gif” with a hard “G”.

It is not forgivable if someone pronounces “meme” as “meh-may”,

The way one would say “grandmother” in Quebec.

Available in paperback here:

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NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

 

The author of this collection does not condone the viewing of these memes.

Nor does he think that they are a substitute for a good, solid education.

Stay in school.

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NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

The author would like to apologize to the “meme-purists” of the world.

He is an old guy with Photoshop and too much free time on his hands.

These memes are not seeking to compete with the award-winning works of cyber-art we all know and love.

These are a mockery.

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NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

The author would like you to know that, despite the title of this collection, there is nothing sexy whatsoever about these memes.

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NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

The author would like to explain that this is a book of memes, and has nothing to do with underpants.

If you are looking for a book on underpants, and have purchased this book by mistake, he offers his sincerest apologies.

There are many fine books on underpants out there.

This is not one of them.

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NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

And hey! Guess what? Now you can get my memes on absolutely everything! Wearable, foldable, drinkable, you name it. Click the banner to browse around my store.

BOX SETS AND COLLECTIONS

Three books in one! Out of all the anthologies that contain three books, this is certainly one of those!

“The humor injected herein may not be your cup of tea. Or it may be precisely the cup of tea that you’ve been longing for. Only to discover there’s a bug in it.” -Bitter Critic

Did I mention this is three books???

“The best thing I’ve read since sliced bread!” -Name Withheld

Stories so twisted, they’ll make you question your own sanity.

“Lose my number.” -Agent

This book contains:
God
nudity
snakes
pie recipes
fratricide
goats names Phil Collins
an angel named Peter Gabriel
a mechanic named Mike
nudity
bears
the mafia
there is no mafia
that’s a myth
gabagool
Hansel
Gretel
truck stops
man-eating pastries
a man eating pastries
an evil witch in a gingerbread house
nudity

This book does not contain:
crossword puzzles
pages for you to color
your mom’s home address
your social security number
complementary pencils
nudity.

In the first installment of this new laugh-till-you-scream series, Marc Richard explores three worlds we all know through a clouded funhouse mirror. Familiar, yet strange. Surreal, yet all too real. Sweet, yet quite salty. And very, very funny. Stories that can only come from the wacky, cynical, not-right mind of a comedian/author you need to read to believe.

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Click here for some bad reviews of ABC: An Alphabet Book for Grown-Ups!

Three tales so awful, they’ll make you want to wash your mind out with soap.

“The best thing I’ve read since the Farmer’s Almanac!” -Unreliable source

Snow White and the mini golf course

Frankenstein meets Soylent Green

An avid reader trapped in an Edgar Allan Poe nightmare

These stories aren’t normal.

Pick up your copy today and see why readers are calling it, “Ludicrous. Hilarious. Almost life-changing. Almost.”

Like a stew, where you don’t know what’s in it, you don’t know why you’re eating it, but you can’t stop. You’ll even ask for thirds.

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The first three parts of everyone’s favorite political science fiction thriller comedy together in one volume!

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Six out of Five is a sextuplet of the strangest tales you’ll ever witness. If you like captivating characters, odd settings, if plot twists intrigue you, if your friends tell you your sense of humor is “unconventional,” then you’ll love this brilliant collection of lunacy from Marc Richard. Download now and let the freak show begin. Includes the novels DEGREES OF SEPARATION, HARM’S WAY, THOSE EYES, IT’LL END IN TEARS, the short story collection SORRY, and part 1 of the new serial DAVE!

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For fans of Marc Richard who don’t have time to read a whole novel. The perfect bathroom reader. This is how he got his start. Includes dumb ramblings and poetry that will probably make you feel better about yourself. Witness an ice skater being eaten by sharks! Unwrap odd Christmas gifts! Find out who the familiar stranger is living next door! All this and more!!!

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The Hellraiser parody you never wanted is now three books long!

The one box set you didn’t know you were waiting for has finally arrived!

Just in time to send to those family members that made your naughty list during the holidays!

Or as a gift to yourself, rather than your usual post-holiday self-flagellation routine!

To comply with current nutrition standards there are now THREE SCOOPS* of human souls in every box!

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SPIN-OFF MINISERIES

A wild and wacky parody of the original Hellraiser movie…

Now with more raisins!

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Hell hath no fury like a raisin scorned.

Hellraisin III: The Wrath of Grapes!

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Hell…

The Raisining!

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OTHER LANGUAGES

Die verbotene Frucht.

Komm schon. Beiß hinein. Du willst es doch auch.Die Schlange sagt, es sei okay.Eva sagt, es sei okay.Du bist neugierig, oder, Adam?Beiß hinein.Du hast hineingebissen, oder?Schon gut, wir alle machen Fehler. Das Paradies war ohnehin nicht das, was es zu sein schien. Eigentlich war es ziemlich abgedreht. Von jetzt an wirst du deinen eigenen Weg gehen müssen. Nur du und Eva und dein treuer Weggefährte, die sprechende Ziege Phil Collins.

Das Buch Genesis. Wie schlimm kann es schon sein? Nehmen Sie einen Bissen und finden es selbst heraus.

 

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Das hier ist definitiv nicht Omas Lieblingsmärchen.

Jimmy DiFrenzo ist das Familienoberhaupt der Figarazzis, einer der härtesten Mafia-Familien der Gegend. Er liebt sein Gabagool, seine Goldketten und seine Brustbehaarung. Zusammen mit seiner hinreißenden Frau und ihrem gemeinsamen Sohn lebt er in einem hübschen Haus am Stadtrand. Das perfekte – wenn auch stereotype – Leben eines Amerikaners mit sizilianischen Wurzeln. Aber er hat Geheimnisse.

Blondie ist ein verwöhntes, reiches Mädchen. Bisher hat sie immer ihren Willen durchgesetzt. Doch als ihr ihr Leben zu langweilig wird, beginnt sie, in x-beliebige Häuser einzubrechen. Sie stiehlt nie etwas; sie sucht einfach nur den Nervenkitzel. Das läuft soweit auch ganz gut – bis es sie ins falsche Haus einsteigt.

„Jemand hat mein Haargel benutzt!“
“Someone’s been eating my gabagool!”„Jemand hat mein Gabagool gegessen!“
„Jemand hat auf meiner Couch geschlafen! Nämlich die da!“

JAber wer ist dieses blonde Miststück, das in Jimmys Haus eingebrochen ist? Hat sie sich wirklich nur durch Zufall ausgerechnet dieses Haus ausgesucht oder verfolgt sie einen Plan? Womöglich hat auch sie Geheimnisse.

Werden Sie Zeuge der un-er-hörten Neuerzählung eines alten Klassikers. Greifen Sie zu!

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