The Truth About God
Do you want to know a secret?
How about if I tell you a little bit about how the universe works, would you like that? Well listen up, Bucky, this is a good one.
I begin my story with the telling of the truth of God. Let me offer a caveat right here and now: If you do not want to know the truth about God, read no further; I am not out to disappoint anyone. I can tell that there may be some of you religious folks that will be a little peeved after reading this chapter. I do not want to dismantle anyone’s dreams and fantasies of an All-powerful Being. I am merely stating the facts that are by now completely obvious to me, as I have witnessed it all first hand. How and when they were witnessed is not really important to this particular story, so I may save that for another day. Then again, don’t count on it.
I end my story in a much different way. Probably. I’m not quite sure, because I haven’t written it yet. If you would like to skip to the end to see what goes on in the last few pages, please feel free. I only ask that you don’t ruin it for me by telling me what happens.
This story will most likely be filled with many twists and turns, and plenty of straight-aways. An occasional tunnel in which a train goes in but never comes out, as well as a tree to climb so that you may have a nice view of the lay of the land. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, then please read on, and then maybe you can clue me in. At times this story may make you laugh. At times it may make you cry. At times it may make you feel like you need to vomit. And at other times, it may leave you standing there, naked in the middle of the room, holding your head in one hand, and a cabbage in the other, saying, “What the fuck?”
But hopefully it won’t make you do any of these things. Hopefully you’ll be bored out of your skull, because you deserve it. You are a miserable human being. I cannot believe the Laws of Physics permit a creature such as yourself to even exist. It blows my mind, as I’m sure it blows the minds of anyone whom you come into any sort of contact with. You are stupid. The fact that you are even reading this is completely beyond my comprehension- I thought you couldn’t read. Well, good for you, tough guy. You got a first grade education.
Anyway, here’s the story…
God as we know it is not any one particular person, lurking in the sky, passing judgement from afar, there only to punish the evil and only allow the purest of the pure to enter his Golden Sanctuary. That is someone else altogether. He is an airline pilot named Herbert, and the fact that he made the whole story up about him being God and all really shows just how full of himself he actually is.
And for those purely orthodox Christian religions, think for a moment. Ever since the beginning of your so-called religion, it was thought that Earth was the center of the universe, that God created it special, and all of the things we saw floating in the sky above us were all just visual effects.
And then, when somebody looked up in the sky and saw that these things were actually moving in a predictable pattern, the Christians said: Well, would you look at all of those things revolving around us? That goes to further prove our point that the Earth is the center of the universe. And then, when Copernicus and Galileo proved further that the Earth in fact revolved around the sun, it took the Catholic Church four hundred years to admit the guys were right. They apologized to them for the delay, but by then they were dead.
So the reason I bring up this point is that this planet may be special, but it’s not any more special than all the other inhabited planets in the whole universe. And what I’m going to tell you now is going to sound so ludicrous to somebody who doesn’t believe, who hasn’t witnessed the truth as I have. The truth is this: There is not just one God governing all souls that exist in the universe, but there is rather a committee, comprised of several beings, and each is assigned to a different world, a different planet. Some planets, depending on the population, get more than one of these creatures. Earth has two. And no, it’s not Simon and Garfunkel. Their names are not really all that important, but I will tell you them anyway, just in case it comes up later in the story. And I will put the English spelling of these words so that they are easier for you to pronounce, because I know how difficult it is for you to read sometimes. Behold, Jhklamo and Gurrrijjjgl. I’m just kidding. It’s Josh and Steve.
As I said, Josh and Steve belong to a Committee comprised of several beings. The responsibility of these beings is to distribute and govern the souls of every creature. They make sure that when someone dies, the souls get sent to new bodies promptly. This is what some of you assholes call “reincarnation”. I, however, call it “reincarnation”.
The purpose of the Committee is to oversee what these creatures are doing, and to make sure they don’t do anything against the rules. Much like a Condo Association. However, unlike a Condo Association, there are very few rules that these creatures have to abide by. In fact, I can’t think of any right off the bat. When I think of some, I’ll let you know.
Anyhoo, as I said, Josh and Steve are in charge of the planet Earth. Now, being a densely populated planet, you would think that their job is a stressful, nonstop rush. This is not true. You see, time for them is a lot different than it is for people such as yourself. Their clock runs a little slower, so they have more time in between each second to catch their breaths, perhaps do some lounging around, basking in the warm rays of the sun, perhaps play a little Cosmic Football with the other creatures on the Committee, perhaps chase Burmese mountain goats, or what have you.
A little aside on where the term “God” comes from. Some of you may think that the term comes from the German word “Gott”. This is entirely false. Others may think it comes from the Italian word “Dio”, which sounds nothing like the English word, but bears a queer resemblance to that funny little dwarf who sang with such bands as Rainbow, Elf, and Black Sabbath, performing such hits as: “Evil Eyes,” “Evil on Queen Street,” “Dream Evil,” and “Lady Evil.” This is also false. Some of you think it dates back to the old Gaelic Ga’od, which stands for “gargle with sod.” This is utter nonsense and completely untrue.
The word “God,” as it turns out, is just one of many things Josh and Steve call their little team. “God” is just the English version. They also call themselves “Buddha,” “Zeus,” “Allah,” and many, many other things. Over time, the meaning of the English word has changed. Why, just thirty years ago, it was an acronym for “Goats On Display”. This had absolutely nothing to do with what their job was. They just thought it sounded cool at the time. The more time that went by, though, the more they thought it sounded like a punk rock band name, something the Butthole Surfers may have called themselves if there wasn’t an astral copyright barricade banning them from using that name. Just a few years ago, they thought they would change the meaning to “Guaranteed Overnight Delivery.” They thought it had an ominous feel to it (as in, just when you think you’re doing fine, you go to sleep one night, and BAMMMMMM!!! Guaranteed Overnight Delivery. You’re dead.) Maybe some of you thought this was a shipping company, much like UPS or FEDEX, or HEFTY JIM’S SHIPPING EXPRESS. But you’re wrong.
So long story short, if you see a truck coming your way with G.O.D. printed in big block letters on the side, your time is probably running short.
All right, so I guess it’s time for me to explain to you how, or rather why reincarnation works the way it does. You see, it all relates Einstein’s Laws of Conservation of Energy and Matter to the Big Bang. If you’re as much of an idiot as I think you are, and you don’t know what Big Bang means, let me bring you up to speed.
Back in the day, which is to say an fourteen billion years ago, all of the matter that exists in the universe today was condensed into a space about the size of a dime. Now, this ball of matter had its own energy- a very, very powerful amount of energy. This matter and energy existed as one entity called “mattergy”. I swear I’m not making this up. Now, after a while of existing in this tiny form, the ball got agitated and finally exploded. And, as things tend to do when they explode, it expanded. So, hard as it is to believe, all of the matter and all of the energy in the Universe today has always existed in one form or another. Now, in terms of the planet Earth (and other planets as well), as matter and energy combined in different forms, they finally hit a combination that persevered. And this set evolution into motion. Carbon, along with other elements, finally formed cells, creating what we define as “life”. And finally, if we follow Darwin’s Theory at all, these one-celled organisms evolved differently, depending on their different environments. All from the same material that has always existed. So each thing, living or dead, including you, has been around, in practical terms, forever. Fucked up, huh?
And as matter evolved, so did energy. And the energy that inhabited each living entity formed what we spiritual humans call a “soul”. Or, what we scientific humans call “consciousness”. The soul being energy, therefore, is not unique to humans, but exists in all living creatures. No, an electric fan does not have a soul, even though it has energy. This is electricity, one of many raw, uncombined forms of energy. This is not a life process. It is the complex blending of several forms of energy that makes a soul.
Now, when someone dies, this means that their cells can no longer exist in the form they are in. They get old and worn out. The body deteriorates and perhaps gets eaten by worms, flies, and sharks, depending on where it ends up. This makes compost. Eventually the matter will recombine into another form, but this book is not about what happens to matter. Frankly, I find the subject to be a little boring, and I do not want to go on and on about science, because as I’m already teetering on pretentiousness, I do not want to cross that boundary.
Our concern here is the energy. When someone “dies”, their energy does not. It exits the body, transmitting through the atmosphere, to be put into another form. Until it has another form, it will stay restless. It is the job of folks such as Josh and Steve to make sure the energy gets allocated properly.
And that, in a nutshell, is why reincarnation happens.
Here are some FAQs about Josh, Steve, reincarnation, and the whole mess.
Q: Do Josh and Steve have total control over every living soul?
A: No. Just the dead ones.
Q: If reincarnation is true, how can the human population be constantly expanding? Where do these new bundles of energy (souls) come from?
A: That’s a question I hear more than any other, aside from: How do you make your meatloaf so tasty? But the answer is simple. Whole-grain mustard and honey barbecue sauce. As for the answer to the other, it is this: As the population of the human race increases, other races are dying out and becoming extinct.
Q: So transference of souls between species is possible?
A: Of course it is.
Q: You said reincarnation works for the whole Universe. Does one soul ever end up on a totally different planet?
A: No, folks like Josh and Steve make sure no energy leaves the planet. If this were to happen, there could be dire consequences. The equilibrium of the universe could be thrown off, and planets would collide. Sometimes, however, moving energies to another planet is inevitable, and it must be done carefully. See the last question in this section.
Q: Does all this stuff have anything to do with soul mates?
A: Funny you should ask, and you’ll find out why later. Yes, it does. Just like bits of energy stick to each other to form a soul, and just like gravity works to draw two masses together, some energies are drawn to each other. Therefore, they usually end up finding each other somehow. However, there are also rare cases where it just is not possible. Like when one soul is born in another country and just can’t seem to make the trip to find its mate. Like I say, these cases are few, as Josh and Steve try their hardest to keep souls in at least the same country, if not the same 500 mile radius.
Q: Can people have knowledge of their past lives?
A: Yes they can. Most do not, but every once in a while there are clues. For instance, a person afraid of the color yellow may be because they were run over by a school bus in a former life. Or it could be because they remember their Uncle Jimmy pissing on them. You never know. Josh and Steve do all they can to effectively erase all memories of former lives from people’s souls, but like skid marks on a guy’s nice white underwear, or like blood on the walls of the Tate mansion, you can’t completely paint over them. However, if you know what you’re doing, it’s easy to recall. And you don’t need any of them phony psychic bullshit artists to tell you how, either. And who decided that white should be the standard color for a man’s underwear, anyway? Shouldn’t common sense tell you that’s a bad idea?
Q: If souls are promptly transported to other bodies, then what about ghosts and spirits?
A: Let me be the first to disappoint you by letting you in on a little secret. There are no such things as ghosts. Josh and Steve try to get souls transported in the shortest amount of time possible. Usually it takes about ten minutes. In this short amount of time, the soul is usually so disoriented that they can’t fit a haunting in. Sometimes the soul transport takes longer than ten minutes. There have been cases where it’s taken up to a week. But the soul seems to find better things to do than hang around scaring people. If you do happen to see something that seems like a ghost, chances are it’s just Josh and Steve playing practical jokes.
Q: Is everybody really workin’ for the weekend?
A: You got me on that one.
Q: What about Doomsday?
A: I’m happy to report that what the Bible, Koran, etc. say about Doomsday is complete and utter bullshit. There will not be any day forecasted by any piece of literature that will signify the end of the world. I myself cannot make predictions, nor can the Committee, but the belief used to be shared by most scientists that life on Earth will end when the gravitational pull of the Sun pulls the Earth close enough so that the heat will be too much to sustain life. It’s looking more and more like life on Earth will end much sooner than that. Due to global warming, as a race we will most likely not survive much more than a couple hundred years. The Committee has already planned ahead for this. This happens more often than you think. As there are so many planets with life on them in the entire Universe, planets “fizzle out” all the time. What happens then is that the entire energy population of the planet gets moved. Now, you think this may be a difficult task, and you’d be right. And you’d think moving all the energy would be the hard part, and you’d be wrong. The hard part is finding a place. “Well,” you may say, “all you have to do is find a planet with the proper atmosphere to sustain life and move everything there.” Well, that’s a good thought, but coming from a person as stupid as yourself, it’s bound to be flawed. And it is flawed, you dumbass. Chances are, if a planet has the right atmosphere to sustain life, it already has life on it. So, to solve this problem, a new planet must be built, in a solar system where it can be put into a proper life- sustaining orbit that will guarantee that it is just the right distance from that particular Sun, and making sure that it won’t bump into anything else in the process. And constructing a planet is not easy, even when several Committee members are helping. So anyway, the planet is made, and evolution has to start all over again. Sounds like fun, huh?
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